Nightmares
by Jean M
Summary: A late night trip to the kitchen calms Kaylee, and brings memories of Book's former life.
1. Default Chapter

She gasped sharply and sat up. Kaylee noticed tear stains darkening her pillow as she turned the light on. "I'm safe," she tried to calm herself. "Cap'n took care of it." She closed her eyes, but still saw the image of Jubal Early, the bounty hunter, in his red suit. She could almost hear his calm, threatening voice. Kaylee stood and climbed from her room, heading towards the kitchen for a glass of water. I need to calm down, she thought. He's gone now. She didn't see the Shepherd until she turned into the kitchen. Startled, she gasped. "Hello, Kaylee, sit down." The Shepherd said softly, kindly. She sat, trying to smile, but he saw the tear tracks on her face. "Nightmares again?" Kaylee nodded. Somehow, Shepherd Book always saw when the crew was afraid. She found that comforting. "I try not to think about it, but-I wake up so scared-" she managed before the sobbing started. Shepherd didn't say a word, but reached for one of the few clean cloths on the ship. Not much on Serenity stayed clean for long. She accepted the cloth, but it was quickly soaked.  
  
She wouldn't stay if she knew what you had done, a voice nagged him from the back of his mind. He pushed it away, and reminded himself that he was forgiven. The grace of God had removed those sins from God's memory, but not from the man the crew knew as Shepherd Book's memory. Nightmares haunted him as well. His were the result of his own cruelty, unlike Kaylee's or River's.  
  
Kaylee eventually calmed down, and sat looking at Shepherd for a few minutes. She glanced at the worn, aged book under his worn, aged hands. "Were you readin' when I came in?" Shepherd smiled gently. "I was." "Did I bother you? I'm sorry, I didn't think-" He stopped her. "Kaylee, I was in the place I needed to be at the time I needed to be." She smiled. "Okay." Her hands twisted the cloth. "I have to get up early. Cap'n wants me to see if Serenity will-" Shepherd waved off the excuse. "Sleep well, Kaylee. Think of pleasant things." Kaylee graced him with her vibrant grin. "G'night, Shepherd," she rose and returned to her room.  
  
Shepherd Book smiled as she left, knowing that those few words, that just being there, had made a difference. He opened his Bible again, and began reading. If she knew what you had done, would she feel so comfortable with you? The viscous voice tormented him. Suddenly, the memories that had triggered his nightmares flooded into his mind.  
  
He had been a hunter, a bounty hunter. He had been the same sort of man as Jubal Early, though not quite as insane. He didn't care about the age or background of his bounty, as long as he got paid. His hostages always arrived quickly and unharmed. He never enjoyed it, and never spoke while working. Pleas for mercy were responded to by silence. He spent years in this profession, the pangs of guilt pushed away by justification. He never tortured anyone, after all. He didn't take pleasure in the occasional bullet. If he had to restrain someone, he'd find a cellar for them and leave food and water. But he had killed people all the same. He had taken people-fathers, mothers, children-from their families, ignoring the cries. He didn't ask questions, but he couldn't look at his hostages either. The desperation, the fear in their eyes turned his stomach. Too often, when he started the job, he was sick when he finished a job. Eventually he forgot to feel.  
  
Then.The War for Unification began. He was sent to fight, and met a priest in the trenches. Both, by virtue of their home planets, fought on the Alliance side. At first, he thought the priest's turmoil over killing weak. Until the day that their company took a great loss. The sound of prayer had taken him by surprise. When he turned around, he saw that the priest had dug graves for their fallen allies, and was praying over them. He watched as the priest finished, and boldly stepped out of the trench and walked over to the Independents' fallen men. Before he could repeat the funeral, an Independent soldier opened fire and the priest fell. The few remaining soldiers in the Alliance trench rushed to avenge the priest, but met their deaths beside him. The man now known as Shepherd Book was the only survivor. He found a crevice to hide in until the field was deserted, but gained a broken leg for his efforts. Once the field was deserted, he dragged himself out and carefully, slowly picked up the Bible that had once belonged to the priest.  
  
He managed to get away from the war after that battle. A group of monks came through after the battle was complete to tend to the dead, only to find graves had been dug and one man remaining, with a broken leg. They took him to their monastery to heal correctly, and while there, he turned his life around. He changed his name to Shepherd Book, and spent a few years learning the ways of grace and mercy.  
  
He had changed, he was a different man. In his sixty years, Shepherd Book had been called many names, had been a man of cruelty and a man of gentleness. He preferred his life on Serenity to any other place he had been, including the monastery. He felt that God was using him here in ways he couldn't imagine, and in a few ways that he could see. 


	2. Disclaimer

Disclaimer  
  
Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy have created and own the rights to all things Firefly-related. I claim no ownership of characters that they have created, or of events that they have written into the series. I'm making no money from this. 


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